Transcript:Nothing to Hide
Credits :['''Scene': 57 Linden Court, the living room. Janet notices that the cabinets have been locked.]'' Janet: Cassie will your dad be home soon? Cassie: Any minute now. Janet: Is this one of your prophetic visions? Cassie: No he always arrives back, just after you scrape his lunch into the bin. Janet: I did warn him, takes George's plate and goes to the bin to scrape his lunch into it if he can't get home on time. steps on the bin's opener only to find it is also padlocked Great. [Janet puts the plate back and finds that a packet of butter has also been padlocked. 'George: arrives with [[Arnie Kowalski|Arnie] and Tyler.] Sorry i'm late. '''Janet: George, why has the whole flat been padlocked? George: Thieves Janet, they're everywhere. Janet: Says who? George: The Daily Mail, oh i nearly forgot. goes outside and brings a Car gear back in I imobilised the car. Janet: George don't you think you're taking this a bit too far? George: Not at all. the door and locks five of it's locks There, you don't want any nutters getting in here. to Tyler (who is a nutter) who nods to Arnie who also nods Arnie: George has got the right idea, this planet is full of unscrupulous Humans who always take stuff that don't belong to them. a piece of meat in the kitchen and eats it Tyler: He's right, crime's everywhere and thieves are getting cleverer. The other day when i was out, i had everything in my entire flat stolen and replaced with an exact replica. George: Thieves, and i bet the Police did nothing? Tyler: Nothing. George: Ha, and i wonder why. Tyler: Ha, because i never told them. walks to the kitchen George: Right, Janet They never do anything Janet. How many citizen's arrests have i made this month? Janet: Er, 409. George: And how many people did they actually charge? Janet: One, you for wasting Police time. George: And was i wasting Police time? Janet: Yes, you can't arrest someone for eating crisps in a library. George: He was disturbing the peace Janet, i believe in Zero Tolerance. Janet: You even arrested my mother for double-parking. George: I also believe in having fun. Janet: George you have to trust the Police to do their work. George: No-no-no i'm not discussing this any further, i just want this house to be safe from all the undesirables outside. Ella: the door with Stanley with Ollie's in his pram Why doesn't my key work? George: Hmm i rest my case. Janet: Just open the door. George: Sorry, i'm protecting my family. Janet: They've got our son. George: Kidnappers! to the door, unlocks all the locks and opens it Ella: What on earth is going on? George: I'll need to see some ID. Ella: Oh for Heaven's sake. in as Stanley pulls Ollie's pram Stanley: Here's our brave little soldier, he had a bit of a fall from the nursery climbing frame, didn't you chap? Ella: He fell a long way i don't know why he isn't in floods of tears. Janet: Oh it's probably just a delayed reaction, to Ollie it's quite normal in normal toddlers. Ollie: Oh, um. pretends to cry Janet: There you see he just needs a bit of sympathy. George: Ah ya big crybaby. Ella: That playground isn't safe at all, they need something soft on the ground to land on. Naturally it falls to me to do something. George: You're gonna lie on the ground and let the kids land on you? Janet: George! Ella: No it's my duty as head of the playground action group. Janet: Since when were you head of the playground action group. Stanley: Since this morning when she formed the playground action group. Ella: We'll need some kind of fundraiser i thought something sophisticated like an art fair, Piers can host it, he was on that arty programme the other day. Janet: Oh yeah he's Mr. Sophistication. He said the Italian Renaisance was a wartime anti-Nazi movement. Ella: Well he should jump at the chance to look cultured. Stanley Come along Stanley, better get back to the car, don't want another parking ticket. opens the door for Ella Arresting your own mother in-law George, i was not amused. walks out, followed by Stanley who stops Stanley: I was. walks out Janet: and Janet take a look at Ollie Ollie are you really alright? Ollie: Sure mum, i'm indestructible, it's just baths that make me cry. George: But you've got a grip of iron, how come you fell of the climbing frame? Ollie: Tommy Butler pushed me. George: sighs That's assault. Janet: Tommy's only two. George: Well he should be locked up. Janet: He's a toddler they don't know what they're doing. George: All the more reason to lock them up, on Ultron once you're two, you're criminally responsible that's why there's no crime. Janet: And what about Arnie? Arnie: That's why i live on Earth, the lock off the fridge. Tyler We're in. the fridge George: Okay we'll do it your way. Janet: Thank you. George: Hmm, we'll report Tommy to the Police for attempted murder. Janet: That's not my way. George: But you said we've got to trust the Police to do their work. Janet: George, we are not phoning the Police. George: You're right, we need to go there in person. the door and takes Ollie in his pram with him Janet: George i'm not coming with you. Arnie: out of the kitchen eating a chocolate cake out the fridge with Tyler who has a French Bread stick and beer You tell him, and if he gets arrested again and starts blabbing and fesses up that he's Thermoman so be it. Janet: I'm coming with you! runs out the door :goes back in the living room to get the car gear and leaves :flash :['''Scene': Northolt Police Station.]'' George: You see Janet even the Police Station isn't secure, anyone can just walk in. Detective Symes: in Oh, i thought i told you never to come in this Police station again. George: Not even for attempted murder? Symes: Don't give me ideas. George: Someone pushed my son off a climbing frame. Symes: Dobbs, you haven't by any chance got a file for Mr. Sunday have you? gives Symes two heavy documents I suppose you have a witness for this do you. George: Yes my son, Ollie says that someone, Tommy Butler, surreptitiously elbowed him with potentially lethal consequences. Symes: turns to look at Ollie, who waves and smiles at him Precoucious boy is he? Janet: He's gifted. Symes: Well he obviously doesn't get it from his father does he. Now, can the young Einstein describe his attacker? George: Yes, he had short blonde wispy hair, blue eyes. Symes: Right. George: About one foot four. and Dobbs look at George, shocked Ollie's even done a picture of him. shows Symes a picture of the boy which clearly couldn't be drawn by a fourteen month old Human Symes: I think you best leave now. George: Oh i get it, before you arrest me again. Symes: No need to take that tone with me. George: I've seen the Police on tv, always arresting the wrong person. Symes: Right. Janet: George. George: I'm sorry Janet, but somebody has to tell the Police the truth. Symes We all know the real criminal is the person you least suspect so why don't you start off with arresting the person you least suspect. Symes: I think someones been watching too much Inspector Morse. George: Morse is a disgrace, most detectives solve a murder in one hour but not Morse oh no, he always takes two hours. Janet: It's television George it's not real. George: Ha, you try telling that to the bloke on porridge. Symes: Is that everything or do you want me to lock up the blokes who play Starsky and Hutch for impersonating Police Officers? George: You mean, they're not real detectives? Janet: Come on George. the station pushing the pram George: I'm sorry but i'm gonna take this all the way to the DA and he's gonna have your badge. Symes: You don't know what the DA is do you? George: Not really no. :shot of Northolt Health Centre :['''Scene': Northolt Health Centre, George and Janet walk in.]'' George: You see Janet, i told you the Police wouldn't help. Janet: You were the one that wanted to go and know you've just made him suspicious. George: He can sniff around all he wants, i've got nothing to hide. Janet: Apart from the fact that you're Thermoman. George: Oh yes good point. sniffs a disaster Janet: What is it? George: sighs More crime, the wolf's up to his old tricks again. Janet: The Wolf? George: Jean Pierre Wolfavitz the famous art thief. Janet: The one with thirty-five Ferraris? George: That's him, when will he realise that crime doesn't pay? walks into the Gents to transform into Thermoman Janet: When indeed. past Mrs. Raven Mrs. Raven: Right, oh dear, well boil up some water, yeah, pop in some honey, then some lemon, then pop in the hamster and it'll be done in ten minutes. turns to Mrs. Raven with a shocked look on her face, Mrs. Raven puts the phone down and turns to Janet. Triplets, Home Economics project. Janet: Mrs. Raven is reading a holiday magazine Oh, you going on holiday? Mrs. Raven: Yeah it's half-term i was thinking of taking the triplets to Mexico. Janet: Oh that's nice. Mrs. Raven: And leaving them there. Janet: Mrs. Raven you can't do that. Mrs. Raven: I know i'm a thousand pounds short on the flights, but i've got a plan. Janet: Mrs. Raven is reading a holiday magazine Oh, you going on holiday? Piers: What d'you think? them a poster for the art competion showing Piers posing while painting a heart. The caption reads "THE BEST PAINTING WINS £100. Janet: the speech bubble next to Piers on the picture 'Doctors orders don't bypass your art.' Piers: Hmm. Janet: Very creative. Mrs. Raven: Took you all morning to think that up didn't it. Piers: smile turns into a frown No. Janet: Is this part of our mother's art fair? Piers: Yes i just want to support it, as you know i take a close personal interest in the um. Janet: Playground Action Group. Piers: Exactly, yes and i want to be a paitent of the arts. If Anthea Turner can finance her own prize what's stopping me? Janet: Anthea Turner? Piers: You have heard of the Turner prize? Mrs. Raven: Janet He'd make the pot noodle seem cultured. Piers: Oh you may scoff but it was your idea for me to encourage local artists. Mrs. Raven: Not for a hundred quid. Piers: But real artists don't do it for the money. Mrs. Raven: Tracey Emin don't get out of bed unless you buy it for thirty grand. Piers: I don't suppose you've got a better idea. :Raven puts up a large post with the head 'THE PIERS PRIZE' with a picture of Piers with the first price identified as £1,000. Piers: 'The Piers prize. laughs Actually that's got quite a ring to it. Hang on it says that the first prize is a thousand pounds? Janet: Well that's the cost if you want to become a financialist. Piers: Janet, i'm not going back to medical school. walks off into his office Mrs. Raven: Raven sings Going loco down in Acapulco, if you stay too long. stops Which the triplets will. Janet: So i take it you're gonna enter the Piers prize? Mrs. Raven: Maybe. Janet: And, can you paint? Mrs. Raven: No, but lets just say i'm very creative. :smiles :['''Scene': 57 Linden Court, the living room. Janet walks past Ollie as Tyler is on the sofa.]'' Janet: So have you been on the climbing frame again? Ollie: No it's boring at a shot of the Eifel Tower on TV i wanna go on that climbing frame. Janet: Ollie it's the Eifel Tower and daddy doesn't want to catch you up there again. Ollie: Why does daddy get to play on it? Janet: Tyler Oh turn it up. turns the volume up Natasha Kaplinsky: Following the audacious theft of the Mona Lisa earlier today Thermoman finally caught up with the art thief after a dramatic chase up the Eifel tower. footage is shown of Thermoman flying rings up the Eifel tower before finally landing on the top The Police have praised Thermoman's arrest... turns the tv off George: in the flat with the Mona Lisa and the Wolf's robbing gear I'm back. Tyler: Well done oh great one. Janet: Um George what is that priceless painting doing in our flat? George: You told me not to be late for lunch. Tyler: You know this was Leonardo's second attempt? Janet: No. Tyler: The first one didn't really work because she had her eyes shut. Janet: Right. Tyler: Actually, i'm glad Leo did a portrait of her and not me. George: You mean, we nearly had the Mona Tyler? Tyler: Oh, it's okay, he put me in the last supper. Janet: Which one were you? Tyler: You mean to say you don't recognise me? a bread stick and poses, opening his mouth George: Oh right yes, yes. doorbell rings Oh. Tyler: up the bag What's in the bag master? George: It's the wolf's equipment. for door to see Detective Symes Ah Detective Symes, you're too late, i've made my own arrangments for tracking down Tommy Butler. closing the door but Symes stops him Symes: That's exactly what i've come to talk to you about. I presume, up a Wanted poster for Tommy Butler with a contact message below Ollie's drawing. ''Contact George Sunday. Flat 59 Waverley Court, Jordan Road - Northolt UB5 3AC this is your handiwork? Janet: the poster 'This boy should be considered dangerous'? the poster off Symes Symes: We've taken down over five hundred of these. George: Taken them down? Symes: We could charge you with invasion of... Tyler trying on the Robber's mask and crowbar Privacy. George: Charge me? Charge me all of a sudden i'm the criminal oh i like that. I try to protect the innocent members of this family from attackers, and evil-doers. And i end up being accused of invasion of privacy oh i like that indeed i do we are a simple household of innocent, law-abiding, peaceful citizens with nothing, nothing to hide! Symes: to the dinner table and turns round to see the Mona Lisa Art lovers are we? George: That's not ours. Symes: picks the Mona Lisa up and takes a more thorough look at it You are so nicked. :['''Scene': Northolt Police Station, interview room. George is being questioned by Symes.]'' Symes: the tape on Detective Symes conducting interview with George Sunday at 3:19 P.M.. Please confirm to the tape that you are George Sunday. George: at the tape Hello i'm George Sunday. Symes: Thank you. George: Now, i think it's only fair if you tell me which cop you are, are you the good one or the bad one? Symes: Listen son, this is for real, and let me tell you summink for free threatening i'm your worst nightmare. George: No i don't think you are. You see my worst nightmare is when i dream i've left the oven on and the whole house has burnt down, and i run out of the burning building, only to be greeted by everybody i have ever met, and they're all laughing and i look down and i'm stark naked. Symes: I just hope you made your phone call count. George: I certainly did. Pizza Delivery Boy: on the door and enters Pizza for George Sunday. gives the Delivery boy the money and takes the pizza, the Delivery boy exits the room. George: the box Help yourself. facepalms as George grabs a slice and bites it Symes: Right Sunday, perhaps you could tell me where you was at noon today. George: Now wait a minute, was that when the Mona Lisa was stolen? Symes: Yes. George: I can't tell you. Symes: Alright then what about Febraury the 12th, when that Picasso went walkabouts. George: Oh i remember that clearly, that was the day the volcano in the Pacific erupted. Symes: So where were you? George: I can't tell you. Symes: Okay then, maybe you can tell me how you ended up with a load of professional art nabbing gear, and a Mona Lisa in your living room! George: Nope i can't tell you that either, but believe me, it's a very very good excuse, you'd love it. Symes: What planet are you from? George: And i can't tell you that either. Arnie: wearing a suit George Sunday, don't say anything. Symes: You're his defense are you? Arnie: I've work with this client before. Symes: Oh, so there's a record then? Arnie: No i mean, that's entractment. May i speak with my client? George: May i speak with my lawyer? Symes: Yes, fine. :enters the room and talks to Symes while Arnie sits down and talks with George George: Arnie, why can't i have a proper lawyer? Arnie: Because you're a superhero. George: Oh yes. Arnie: Anyway, i can be a lawyer, i'm not the moron you think i am.. oh Pizza. a slice and starts eating Symes: given a sheet of paper concerning the Mona Lisa by Dobbs Thank you Dobbs. Arnie: with Symes while eating Now listen, you got nothing on my client. How do you even know that that's the original. Symes: Well lets find out shall we, it says here that one identifer is that the original has Leonardo's thumbprint on the back. at the back of the portrait Well i don't see any. Arnie: There you see, i trust my client's free to go... George: the thumbprint and points at it Here it is, here it is look yes-yes-yes-yes. bangs his head on the table :['''Scene': Northolt Police Station, the waiting room. Ella and Stanley are waiting, Stanley is reading the Northolt Gazette.]'' Stanley: They haven't found the Mona Lisa yet. Ella: I wouldn't give it back to the french, they'd only eat it. Stanley: They reckon Thermoman might have nicked it, no he wouldn't have done that. Ella: Stanley, even the most mildest man at person is capable of comitting the most diabolical crime. turns to see if there's any sign of George Stanley: Don't i know it. turns back to Stanley with a frown on her face What are we doing here? Ella: We have to be here for George, for when he comes out. Stanley: Oh that's nice, you've finally accepted him into the family. Ella: is at reception with Symes and Dobbs, Ella points at him That's him, that's the man, he did it. Symes: Did what? Ella: Whatever it was you arrested him for i can testify. George: Hello Ella. Ella: You see, he recognises me that's clearly a sign of guilt. Symes: Why do i get all the nutters? :['''Scene': Northolt Health Centre, reception. Janet looks at Mrs. Raven's flight.]'' Janet: Oh, upgrading to first class, isn't that a bit expensive? Mrs. Raven: Very, but i'm on to it. Phase one, i've got something to win the Piers prize with. her a photo Janet: Euugh, what is that? Mrs. Raven: My unmade bed, well if it works for Tracey Emin why wouldn't it work for me. Janet: Is that what i think it is? Mrs. Raven: Probably. Janet: And how d'you know this is gonna win? Mrs. Raven: Ah that'll be phase two. Man: man arrives with a painting Can i leave this here for the Piers prize? Mrs. Raven: By all means. Man: Thanks, his fingers fingers crossed. Mrs. Raven: two fingers on both her hands, pretending to be hopeful, she then turns to Janet Phase two. the painting in a shredder and shreds it Eliminate the competition. :walks out of his office dressed up as Andy Warhol Janet: What are you wearing? Piers: It's the Warhol look. Mrs. Raven: It's the something-hole look. Piers: I just heard a loud wurring sound. Mrs. Raven: Ah that'll be Mr. Wilson's pacemaker. Piers: Ah then i better see him next. Mrs. Raven: Mr. Wilson You, in. Piers: You haven't saw any entries for the Piers prize. Mrs. Raven: No. Piers: I only want people to paint a few old masters, is that, too much to ask? Mrs. Raven: Well it is for a thousand pounds, your gonna have to got a bit higher. Piers: Well what to? Mrs. Raven: Five thousand, and ninty-three pound and twenty-six P. Piers: Yes, yes whatever gets me lunch with Melvin Bragg. Mrs. Raven: Raven puts a banner on the Piers prize poster over the original prize with the new one Oh see it's working already. woman walks in with a sculpture Piers: Oh yes very alluring, not you obviously. Thanks for bringing it in, Mrs. Raven can you put this with all the others. puts it on the reception desk, the woman leaves and Piers goes to his office :Raven looks shocked Janet: It's good isn't it? Mrs. Raven: I can't shred that. Janet: D'you like it? Mrs. Raven: No it'll clog the shredder. Janet: Won't it look suspicious if yours is the only entry for the Piers prize? Mrs. Raven: Well i could always submit a second piece, under a pseudonym. Hamster in Formalderhyde. Janet: Piers has seen this one now. Mrs. Raven: Yeah, okay Plan B, get the curator to damage the opposition. Janet: Who's the curator? Mrs. Raven: Me. Raven gives the sculpture to Janet I can be ever so careless. Raven grabs a baseball bat, Janet recoils as Mrs. Raven prepares to hit the sculpture :flash :['''Scene': 57 Linden Court, the living room. Janet and Tyler are on the sofa while George and Arnie stand up next to the coffee table.]'' Janet: So when Symes discovered it was the original what did he do? George: He just kept punching the air and, going on about a promotion after all these years. Janet: After that. George: He did a dance like this. to the door and back again excitedly Janet: And after that? George: He put a tracking tag on me. up his right trouser sleeve revealing the tag strapped above his ankle Janet: I hope you've got a good lawyer. George: I certainly have. and puts his arm around Arnie and pats his belly, he smiles gratefully Janet: Oh dear. Arnie: Hey, i've made a very sound assessment of George's legal position. Janet: What is it? Arnie: He's in big dudu. Janet: Helpful. Arnie: He's looking at fifteen years. Tyler: Don't worry master, there's a full proof way of getting out of prison. It's dead simple, you only need on thing. George: What's that? Tyler: The key. George: Thanks for trying Tyler, but if this goes to a trial they might discover i'm Thermoman. Arnie: And i'll have to wear on of those stupid wigs. down on the single sofa Janet: We need to come up with a plan. Arnie: And we need it fast cos they're taking the painting to the lab tomorrow. Janet: That might just buy us enough time. If we can get the Mona Lisa out of Northolt Police Station and replace it with a fake, and when they inspect it in the morning they'll just assume Symes is a really sad case with a personal grudge against George. Arnie: I was gonna suggest running away but i could go with that. George: through the bathroom holding the painting Right now, there's the fakes for your mum. [puts them on the sofa and takes the Mona '''Janet': We will need a fake Mona Lisa it doesn't even have to be a very good one. Tyler: Will this do? up his jacket to reveal he has a Mona Lisa t-shirt Janet: Probably better than that. George: The wolf had loads of copies in his hideout. Janet: Oh great and while you're there get any other fakes for mum's art fair. Arnie: And when you fly into the station to make the switch we need to create a diversion, any ideas? Tyler: Oo-oo, how about, we get Snow White and the Seven Dwarves to pass by. Except, except there's eight dwarves and while the policeman's counting them, he thinks did i count seven or eight so he counts them again and he counts eight. But because he knows it's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, to his forehead he thinks he's going mad... sorry what was the question again? Arnie: We'll think of something on the way. :on, from left to right, George, Tyler, Janet wearing a black coat and wig with Arnie in his normal clothes all wearing sunglasses walk through a parking lot in the night. Tyler stops George from walking in the wrong direction. George: the sunglasses up, turns to Tyler Can't see a thing. :['''Scene': Northolt Police Station, the waiting room. Tyler is eating from a bag while Arnie and Janet sit down.]'' Janet: Arnie Okay, i'll scream and faint, you call the policeman over, and Tyler will check that the coast is clear. to Check on Tyler :walks over to Dobbs at reception Arnie: Right. Janet: Just waiting for Tyler to get into position. :walks to Dobbs at reception who is on the phone Dobbs: Tyler Ne with you in a minute. Tyler: D'you like Peardrops. Dobbs: in the bag] Oo yeah i do. in and grabs one, which he eats then tastes something weird Euugh, these taste like mothballs. Tyler: They are mothballs, i just wished they where Peardrops. :runs off to spit it out Janet: Great improvising Tyler. Tyler: Improvising? Arnie: The eagle has flown the nest, repeat the eagle has flown the nest. Janet: What are you talking into? Arnie: Nothing, George has super hearing. :flies past them appearing to be merely a red tail of light to take the Mona Lisa and immediately flies back Janet: Okay let's go. three leave :flash :shot of 57 Linden Court at nightime Janet: all walk in Mission accomplished. Arnie: his red cap off Man i haven't been this exhilarated since that night me and Mrs. Raven got on top of one of the Lions in Trafalgar Square and started... Pelvic thrusts Janet: her hand Thank you Arnie. it That's an image that will stay with me for far too long. George: through the bathroom Right now, there's the fakes for your mum. them down and goes to the front door holding the Mona Lisa Now, let's get this back to Paris. Ella: Janet, come away from that criminal at once. Stanley: George Sunday you may have taken my daughter, but i will not have you bring shame on this family. Ella: shocked Oh Stanley. George: But, i've got some stuff for the art fair. Stanley: And if you think you can buy your way into our affection with some hot knock-offs, you've got another thing coming. a hole into the Mona Lisa Ella: Stanley, i've never seen you like this before. Stanley: to the front door Wait in the car dear, his sleeves up i'm not finished yet. Ella: Whatever you say darling. out Janet: Now dad the thing you need to understand... Stanley: suddenly becomes calm No i'm sure there's a perfectly good reason, the ladies from the Playground Action Group are aware of George's problems with the Police, and if Ella's chucked out, i'll never get any peace. Janet: Oh it's alright dad we're sorting it out. Stanley: Oh good, sorry about the picture. the tear in the Mona Lisa Janet: nervously Heh, it's not as if it's the actual, genuine and irreplaceable Mona Lisa is it. tries to speak but Janet interrupts him Not now George. Stanley: I'll pick up the others later, i'll talk her round. out Arnie: at the Mona Lisa Oops! George: Janet the Mona Lisa If anyone wants me, i'll be on Venus. Janet: him No, Arnie and Tyler what are we going to do? Tyler: Oh don't worry mistress, we could always get Leonardo to paint another. Janet: sighs Tyler you do not know Leonardo da Vinci he died 500 years ago. George: He didn't actually, he's alive and well and living on Ultron. Janet: Leonardo da Vinci is Ultronian? Arnie: In 1500 he was designing helicopters and tanks, does that sound like the behaviour of a normal Human being? Janet: Good point. George: I'll go and get him. flies off :movements are tracked on a montior by Dobbs in the station, the montior shows that George has travelled 2812 miles then 2813. George: Sunday's on the move again sir. Symes: a smug tone This time we're tracking him all the way, i've got him. fists and thrusts down Yes! :Symes is away, the monitor changes from 2814 to 37,627 to 831'093 to 286,175,059 then changes to the message "SYSTEM ERROR" Dobbs: Sir! taps the montior with his pen, it explodes burning his finger. :to the flat where George has arrived. George: to a blank canvas slowly followed by Leonardo da Vinci Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Leonardo da Vinci. Janet: Oh dear. George: Be fair Janet, he's 552. Tyler: to Leo Ciao Leo. Leonardo da Vinci: Ciao Tyler, speaks in Italian to Tyler, translation following It's wonderful to see you! :and Arnie look at each other, shocked. Tyler: Italian to Leo You're looking very well, not a day over 530. Janet: Um, Tyler, can you ask him to paint another Mona Lisa? Tyler: Can you paint the Mona Lisa for us again? Leo: Do you want her eyes open or closed? Tyler: laughs Open. Leo: walks to the blank canvas and paints the Mona Lisa in Ultronian superspeed, he then stands back and admires his work. Bella. Janet: a look at it with Arnie Oh dear. :Mona Lisa is shown with a Blue theme Leo: explains to Tyler I'm in my Blue period. I never got one and Picasso hogged the market. Tyler: English to Janet He says he's in a Blue period. George: Can you ask him to paint one like the original? Tyler: Italian Can you paint one like the old one. Leo: Not that old cliched crap. Tyler: He says it's old cliched crap. Arnie: the frame off the base Tell him we like the old cliched crap. Tyler: Oh come on Arnie you gotta see it from Leo's point of view. Art has moved on beyond, mere representation, to something more asthetic, metapyshical and almost, spiritual. Janet: You seem to know a lot about art. Tyler: Well to be honest, i lost interest in the art establishment when i won the Turner pPrize. Janet: You won the Turner Prize? Tyler: Yeah, i fell asleep in a chair at the Tate Modern and when i woke up, i found out i'd been sold to Osachi for half a million quid. Arnie: Tell him, Picasso thinks the Mona Lisa was a fluke. Tyler: Italian to Leo Picasso thinks the Mona Lisa was a fluke. :scoffs at this claim and repaints the Mona Lisa, when he's finished, he marks his painted thumb on the back of the painting and steps back. Arnie: Fantastic, they'll never know the difference. Janet: Cept that the paint's still wet. George: uses his Thermobreath to dry it Not anymore, the new Mona Lisa hear the name, Thermoman and George Sunday. leaves Arnie: up the Blue Mona Lisa and asks Janet Can i have this one? :flies above Earth's atmosphere and to Paris, past the Eifel Tower Natasha Kaplinsky: the News The Mona Lisa has been returned to the Louve safe and sound by Thermoman. Jean Pierre Wolfavitz known as "The Wolf", has been arrested and has subsequently confessed to a string of other art thefts. In a seperate development on Thermoman's advice, a Policeman from Northolt has been charged with wrongful arrest and wasting Police time. :to the Art Fair at the Health Centre, Piers comes out of his office to greet the visitors wearing a hilarious outfit holding the trophy. Piers: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Piers prize. Ella: Ahem! Piers: Oh yes and charity art fair. Now let's look at some of the finest work that Northolt, has to offer. raises his hand to the paintings, which to his shock, he has discovered they have all been damaged Ye, Gods. :man from earlier who left his painting for the Piers prize arrives Man: Where's my watercolour? Mrs. Raven: There. [points to a plastic bag on display containing the shredded remains of his watercolour. '''Piers': Mrs. Raven back to talk in private What happened? Mrs. Raven: Well i admit there was some damage during the storing, and handling. Piers: And the shredding? Mrs. Raven: They're not all damaged, look at that one. to the Blue Mona Lisa which is being admired by an art professional Gerard: Such a clever piece. Piers: Oh come on it's just cheap and tacky. Mrs. Raven: You haven't met Gerard from the Royal Academy, personal friend of Melvin Bragg? Piers: Tacky yet, stimulating and inspiration in it's, naive blueness. Gerard: And who is this Mrs. Raven? [points to Mrs. Raven's signature on the bottom of the painting. '''Mrs. Raven': I claim my prize now. the trophy out of Pier's hands, he then leaves Arnie: to Mrs. Raven in his Hawaiian shirt, watching Piers as he leaves. Mrs. Raven waves the cheque in the trophy at him. Commission? Mrs. Raven: Later. :and Mrs. Raven move their tongue in and out at each other Arnie: Lucky the academy guy liked it. Mrs. Raven: I don't leave anything to chance. a ten pound note to Gerrard Gerard: Thanks treacle, her ear anytime. :Raven giggles as Arnie looks annoyed Ella: We're never gonna raise any money at this rate. George: How about auctioning these? them a copy of "Sunflowers" by Vincent Van Gogh Ella: Well, i really don't think... Stanley: Ella and takes the two paintings off George The-the-the they'll be fine. And there'll be no more trouble with the Police. George: Oh don't worry all the charges have been dropped. Stanley: I should think so, or you'll be for the high jump. Ella: impressed Oh Stanley. George: Now, has anyone seen this boy? up the wanted poster for Tommy Butler Janet: No George we need to keep a bit of a low profile. George: Why? Janet: You know the Wolf's other art thefts well, apparently he'd been keeping the originals in his hideout. George: You mean? Piers: given the Sunflower painting by Ella Right well, let's start the auction. his throat Who'll give me a tenner, for these lovely sunflowers? Janet: her hand as George appears nervous Um. :Credits Category:Transcripts